Neverlandish

It all began with an application form to fill. I had to name a former employer or colleague and give its phone number. That’s when I realized that I completely forgot my first job’s phone number –had to look it up on the yellow pages. I used this number so many times, gave it to my suppliers hundreds of times for more than a year. And now, less than 15months later, I just can’t remember it.

That led me to look up into my mind for some other phone numbers I used to know by heart. My ex’s number, some old friend’s phone number, birthdays?? Nada, nothing!!! I don’t pretend having a phenomenal memory, but I really have that numbers thing, you know, when you make them live into your mind, give them some personal signification, watch them dance!!!

Then I moved on to faces. That could sound kinda familiar but I do have that faces thing as well. I tried to remember some cosy moments I had with special people… but all I could see were blurry images and shaking scenes. My memory is breaking into pieces.

I’m not all that sad for it, neither happy –although there are moments worth forgetting…you know, the hardest ones to forget. I'm just a little disappointed.

Somehow, while squeezing my poor neurones times and again to get some clear visions out of them, I started feeling weird. All I had were flashes, partial views, but overwhelming sensations, feelings that vary from deep sadness to exploding joy. I even thought I smelled some special fragrances.

I kept wondering about the way it works till I found an old diary of mine. I was happy at the thought of reading some thorough description of past events, till I started reading. All I was reporting was the feeling of the moment, the impact it left on me, the impressions I got of the situation. If I were to be categorized into some painting current, I’d definitely be listed under the impressionism entry.

Maybe is it a way to keep a maximum of thing in the little space I have in my memory.

So I think I’m going to get by with that little available space, just enough to keep the things that matters to me. Even though I won’t be able to remember every single moment, at least I’m keeping the very essence of events, the one that keeps me alive and drags me out of loneliness.